Self disclosure can have many benefits in the work we do with clients. However it can also complicate things and leave you wishing you had kept some things to yourself. The reality is that most self-disclosure in therapy falls somewhere in between. You may be wondering how you can make self-disclosure work for you and how to make sure you aren’t oversharing.
To clarify before we begin, I am not talking about disclosing what you had for dinner last night or what your favorite color is. That could easily be considered small talk. In this post I am referring to sharing deeper, more personal thoughts or experiences that would be appropriate to share in a professional therapeutic relationship with a client. For example, experiencing frustration when you feel your partner isn’t hearing you, or feeling grief after the loss of a loved one.
So how much is too much? That’s a million dollar question. I’d love to give you a formula that would let you safely stay in the benefit zone, but unfortunately, no such equation exists. While there are MANY variables, there are a few questions you can ask yourself when deciding whether self-disclosure will benefit or detract from your work with a client.
Who is the self-disclosure for?
This is a big one. Before you choose to disclose information about yourself you need to ask yourself who it’s for. If you are sharing for the sake of sharing or because it’s something that has been weighing on you it is likely information best kept to yourself.
Most of us go into this field because we want to help people. While we are people too and also deserve to be heard, it should not be in someone else’s session. If you feel the need to say something to get it off your own chest, it’s best that you don’t.
If what you would like to share is aimed toward identifying with your client and helping them feel understood, it may be in that desired benefit zone. It can be remarkably validating for clients to hear that their therapist has also struggled and may have even felt things similar to them. This can help to deepen your work and lead to greater recovery.
Let’s use this example: you have a client who has experienced a serious accident and is dealing with physician limitations. You, yourself, experienced something similar. Sharing something like; “Awhile back I had a pretty bad accident and broke my leg. I went through a long period of time where I didn’t feel like myself or even recognize myself some days. I wonder if it’s ever like that for you?”
Using disclosure in this way allows you to do a number of things. You can validate your client, you can challenge them to reflect on how they are feeling, and you can encourage them to open up more. You may even humanize yourself more, deepening the trust in your therapeutic relationship.
Now this type of statement is likely to only be helpful when you have built rapport with your client AND you are fairly certain that is how they are feeling. If you simply want to share about your broken leg your client may be confused by your statement and even begin to shut down.
Use disclosure wisely and ask yourself first, who it is for?
What is your motive, and what might your disclosure lead to?
Next, be sure to explore your motivation. Ask yourself what you intend for your disclosure to do. You don’t want to get into the middle of something and realize that you had no plan whatsoever.
If you are struggling with a client who doesn’t connect to their emotions (and you have rapport) perhaps it could be helpful to share about a time you felt an emotion that you are fairly certain they are experiencing. For example something along the lines of, “I went through something similar and I found myself feeling really angry.” This could open up some powerful dialogue. It could also fall flat.
I personally have found it very helpful to share my early views on breathing exercises if a client looks at me like I sprouted a second head when I ask them to breathe with me.
Statements such as, “Yea. I thought breathing exercises were pretty stupid too, but then I tried them and it turns out the dumb things actually work” has gotten me a lot of great results. I’ve definitely gotten some agreement with my initial opinions, but in the end it helped me to connect to my client. At the very least, I learned more about what they needed in order to get to where they wanted to be.
In the end it isn’t about our goals for our clients, it’s about them. Always check in with yourself to evaluate what your motives are, especially when it comes to self-disclosure.
How are you going to make sure the focus of the session does NOT shift to you?
Now, at this point you’ve evaluated who your disclosure is for and what you hope it will elicit. Next, have a plan to make sure the focus stays where it is meant to be, which is on your client.
Be aware that sharing about yourself can lead to a prime opportunity for deflection. Your client might ask you more about your experience, which is to be expected. You may even welcome it, especially if you feel the tide shifting toward more personal motivations for sharing in the first place. Unfortunately, the tides could do more than shift, they may do a full 180 and before you know it you’ve been talking about yourself for over 5 minutes.
While there isn’t a formula per say for self-disclosure, I’m sure we can all agree that that is way too much.
Be present and constantly assess who your statements are for. This can be said for most things we say in a session, but it is particularly critical when using self-disclosure.
It can also be helpful to have a prepared statement to use should you feel the focus is not where it needs to be. Have that in your back pocket to use if and when you need it.
Find something that works for you, I often find a gentle laugh and “hey, this is not my session. I want to know what this is like for YOU. I already know what it’s like for me!” This works for me and my style. Develop a prepared statement that fits for you and have it at your disposal.
Keep the focus where it needs to be– on your client.
Does your client show interest in your life?
This question is twofold. One, it is important to assess if your client really even cares to hear about your experience. Two, you need to be aware of boundary concerns before you even think of sharing personal information.
Some clients don’t particularly care to hear about their therapist’s personal thoughts, feelings, or experiences. They may not concern themselves with that of anyone. This will likely be something that needs to be addressed at some point, maybe even in the course of their treatment with you!
If you have a client who is very self-focused and this impacts their relationships, self-disclosure may be helpful to elicit that response and give you a jumping off point. On the other hand, if the goal is to help them to open up or connect, it will probably fall flat.
On to boundaries. Assessing a client’s interest in your life becomes even more crucial when a client expresses TOO much interest. Self-disclosure will need to be used very carefully in these cases. It can be very difficult for anyone to connect to a therapist who NEVER shares about themselves. However, when it comes to clients who prefer to hyper focus on you (or others) as a means of escaping their own stuff, you want to be extra careful.
When preparing to self-disclose, be sure to gauge how much interest your client shows in you and move forward accordingly.
To Sum It Up
Self-disclosure can be a remarkably helpful tool that can elicit a lot of positive results and growth. As with any type of intervention there can be possible drawbacks, or side effects if you will.
Disclosure can backfire, no matter how much you prepare or assess ahead of time. That doesn’t mean that sharing should be avoided completely, it simply means that you want to use these interventions sparingly and responsibly.
When assessing whether self-disclosure may be effective, ask yourself who you’re really doing it for, what’s your motivation, how will you keep the focus on your client and what their interest level may be in what you have to say.
Practice what you preach my fellow therapist, and see you next time.
